TOWARDS A NO PERMANENT ADDRESS LIFE | TRAILER

I can’t recall the exact moment, but around April-May 2023 I began to lose interest in my existing way of living. Having spent 12 years working as a Software Developer, I felt there was hardly any difference between a computer and myself. Both of us were being conditioned by external entities to function in a certain way to serve them.

We are all pushing towards making computers sentient beings, but in turn, becoming robots ourselves. 

I wanted to break out of this rut.

An analysis of my savings, my needs, my wants, and my obligations showed that I could afford a long break without a job.

For a few years, I had been wanting to do a road trip without an itinerary. Without the boundaries of paid leaves. Without an end date. Just dump your stuff in the car and leave kind of trip.

There couldn’t be a better time than this, I thought.

I quit my job. 3 months later I began my journey from Melbourne, Victoria, Australia. 40 days / 3383.4 KMS / 12 pitstops later I reached Noosa Hinterland, Queensland, Australia. But has the journey ended? Or is it just the beginning of a new one?

TOWARDS A NO PERMANENT ADDRESS LIFE | TRAILER

Confessions from an Ex-Smoker

CHAPTER 2

EMOSANAL ATTYACHAAR

Still from the movie Dev.D

..continued from Chapter 1.

January 2021

I knew I was addicted. 

The thing that I thought would put me at ease made me feel trapped. All I yearned for was just one drag, and now that I had a pack of cigarettes with me, I felt like getting rid of all of them. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. It was ludicrous - but it still hurt. The emosanal attyachaar (emotional torture) had begun. I reached out for another one.

From that moment, the thought that hardly left my mind was - “I need to get rid of this habit”.

Plan A: I won’t smoke from Monday.

Sunday evening. Around 4 pm. I may have had just 3-4 cigarettes left in the pack. “Hmm. So if I smoke all of these now, I will run out of them way before my sleep time. That’s too early. How about I buy one last packet, and go out for a drink? This way I shall be able to finish a pack just before sleeping. Let’s celebrate this event.”

The celebration continued past midnight. I returned home with another pack. The following day, after I smoked the last cigarette, I was hoping to feel happy but I felt sad. I felt as if there was nothing to look forward to. There would be no enjoyment aspect to my life now. The feeling of emptiness overpowered all other feelings. I was hoping to liberate myself from the filth but It started to feel like a burden and I had no idea how long would I have to continue to suffer before I could safely say “I don’t need nicotine anymore”. The shock treatment certainly did not work for me and within an hour I found myself heading towards 7-11 to fetch a new pack. 

Plan A: I won’t smoke from Monday.

Plan B: Perhaps I should cut down slowly.

My next approach was to gradually cut down. I reduced my consumption to half. While at work, instead of having a cigarette in every break, I smoked during alternate breaks. It just meant I take half the number of breaks. Smoking 10 a day is better than having 20 a day right? Unfortunately not the case with nicotine. I observed that when I skipped a break to not have a cigarette, I waited eagerly for the next break when I could have one. I started feeling as if I had earned it for my previous sacrifice. Sometimes I would have 2 cigarettes thinking the next slot was too far away. This new plan wasn’t helping me at all. On the contrary, it put additional responsibility and stress of “break management” on me. 

Plan A: I won’t smoke from Monday.

Plan B: Perhaps I should cut down slowly.

Plan C: Chewing gum to curb cravings.

My earlier plan required me to not give in to cravings, at least half the number of times, which was getting exhausting. I remember those pangs. I couldn’t think of anything else but having a smoke during those moments. More often than not, I used to give in and end up having back-to-back cigarettes. I had heard that chewing gums helped fight cigarette cravings. Not Nicorette. I used to wonder why are people even buying Nicorette. Why would you consume gum that is made up of the stuff you are trying to get rid of from your system? I started keeping regular chewing gum in my other pocket and would reach out to either cigarette or chewing gum based on the severity of my cravings. I noticed my cigarette consumption took a dip for a few days. However, chewing gum consumption went up. My gums started to ache. Eventually, I quit chewing gums and nicotine took over.

Plan A: I won’t smoke from Monday.

Plan B: Perhaps I should cut down slowly.

Plan C: Chewing gum to curb cravings.

Plan D: Cut down access to cigarettes for a long time.

Having failed in all my attempts so far, I wanted to try something different this time. One common aspect in all previous failures was having easy access to cigarettes. The fact that I could just walk a few steps to buy a new packet made it challenging to refrain from it. I wanted to put myself in a scenario where I wouldn’t be able to buy cigarettes and if this could stretch for a long time, perhaps I wouldn’t crave cigarettes anymore. 

March 2021

Luckily, at the same time, I got admission to the Permaculture Design Course (PDC). It was a 15-day residential course at Rocklyn Asharam. Smoking was strictly prohibited on campus. Being in a remote location meant no easy access to stores selling cigarettes unless you had a car. I did not. The course schedule was intense which meant being occupied most of the time, leaving hardly any room to miss smoking. I could imagine myself walking out of the campus with my head held high, not wanting cigarettes anymore. Perfect!.

I was determined. I left home for the course without any cigarettes with me. As I had already experienced bouts of strong cravings during my prior pursuits to quit, I was mentally prepared to deal with them this time. The smoke-free 3-hour journey to Asharam felt like taking the first steps toward liberation from nicotine. The pilgrimage had begun.

The day used to begin with a Yoga session followed by a series of lectures, activities, garden walks, or farm visits. Delicious food cooked using fresh produce from the garden and discussions on a variety of subjects during meals kept our bodies healthy and minds stimulated (more about PDC in a separate blog). All these aspects helped me to not miss smoking. I was happy.

Halfway through the course, we had a free evening. A few of us went out for dinner in a nearby town. This was the first time since the course began that shops were accessible. I did not give in to the temptation of buying cigarettes. I started to feel confident about this plan.

The course ended. This was the longest I had been clean since I had started smoking regularly. When it was time to leave the Asharam my mind was chattering. Am I a non-smoker now? I guess I can claim that isn’t it? Have I gotten over cigarettes? Maybe yes! Will I not experience cravings anymore? I hope not. Is this for real? I was confused. One of our coursemates offered a ride to the train station. On our way to the station, I shared with him my struggles of trying to quit smoking before I came to the course, and perhaps this time I may have been successful. He was thrilled to hear that and congratulated me. We arrived at the train station. Exchanged good-byes. He left. I walked to the platform and saw that there was still an hour for the train to arrive. I came out of the station. Walked towards a convenience store. Bought a packet of cigarettes.

Till today I am unable to figure out what made me do that. As soon as I had the drag, I felt as if I had slipped into a dark tunnel. I felt demoralized. After staying clean for 15 days, I couldn’t believe that I simply threw it all away. I felt extremely sad during my entire train journey back to Melbourne. What I thought was my best chance to be free had failed.

In my head, it was a foolproof plan. It had to work. The fact that it did not, hit me hard. Not only did this affect my morale, but it affected my meditation practice too. Practicing meditation while continuing to take intoxicants felt like a hypocrite. My meditation practice took a hit and I quit trying to quit smoking.

Plan D: Cut down access to cigarettes for a long time.

October 2021

The international borders opened up and I got a chance to visit home. Being able to come to Pune after spending almost a year in lockdown was a huge relief. I wasn’t completely at ease though. Back in Melbourne, I was smoking more than 20 cigarettes a day. Here in Pune, maintaining the same rate meant stepping out of the house 20 times a day. That wasn’t practical at all. To not smoke was not possible for me either. I started smoking in my bathroom with the exhaust fan on. While smoking in the bathroom, there was a feeling of comfort, but there was always a fear that my parents or sister would find out about it. In addition to this, there was the feeling of disgust that I had reached this stage. These unpleasant moments pushed me to seriously reconsider quitting before it was too late.

January 2022

Fortunately, I got another opportunity to pursue PDC and volunteer at Aranya Permaculture Farm. Once again I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to stay away from smoking. I did not carry any cigarettes with me to the course. I did not smoke a single cigarette during the entire duration of the course. The 15-day course came to an end. We all were celebrating around a campfire. One of the coursemates lit a cigarette and offered it to me and I accepted the offer without any hesitation at all. 

February 2022

The fast was broken. I did not even ponder over it this time. My main concern was how to arrange cigarettes as I was planning to stay at the farm for 3 months. I needed to figure out the entire supply chain. The nearest town was almost 10 km away. Once in a while someone from the farm would go to the town, so we would request the person to get stuff for us. A part of my mind was permanently reserved to keep track of this. I did not even care what brand or type of cigarette I was smoking. Whatever was available in the town was fine with me as long as it had nicotine in it and could be smoked. I would occasionally borrow bidis from the locals on the farm and smoke them too.

March 2022

Just after a month of volunteering, I fell extremely sick. Perhaps in my excitement to work on a farm, I must have over-exerted myself. The rising temperatures and my incessant smoking had made it worse. I asked my friend from Hyderabad if he could pick me up and he readily agreed. I spent a couple of days at his place and then returned to Pune.

Once I got back home, my health worsened. For the next two months, most of the time was spent either visiting hospitals for checkups, getting body parts fixed, or recovering from one or the other illnesses.

Still from the song Emosanal Attyachar from the movie Dev.D

June 2022

The rest period gave me time to reflect upon my actions. It was more than a year, and I wasn’t able to successfully give up smoking. All the methods I had tried so far required willpower to some extent. Having failed in all the attempts I started to doubt my abilities.  Am I weak-willed? Maybe not. Maybe I am. Why am I unable to let go of smoking completely? Should I give quitting another shot or should I just accept that I will be a smoker all my life? The voices in my mind were just not shutting down. I was desperate for a solution to get me out of this mess.

And then I found a book.

…continued in Chapter 3.