Confessions from an Ex-Smoker

CHAPTER 1

THE REALISATION

Still from the movie Kaante showing Sanjay Dutt smoking

1992-2004

As a child, perhaps it was my obsession with Sanjay Dutt, memories of watching my uncle smoking while having a good time with his friends, Marlboro advertisements on the television, or a combination of these, I had correlated smoking with freedom or being macho and I just wanted to try it.

And so I did. 

2004

I smoked my first cigarette when I was 16.

The day was chosen. On the auspicious occasion of finishing the 10th Standard Board Exams, I wanted to relish my freedom with a cigarette. I imagined holding a cigarette and walking like Sanjay Dutt with the song playing in the background “Chal pade hai fikr yaar, dhuein main udaake” (We are moving turning worries into smoke). As soon as we stepped out of the school, my good friend bought 2 cigarettes. I asked him to light it for me. I had the first puff. I coughed. Coughed again. I vividly recall I hated it. I couldn’t even finish it. I threw it after 2 puffs. I decided never to have it again.

Unfortunately, nicotine had entered into my system and the association of smoking and freedom was still etched in my mind. The combination had to rear its ugly head. It was just a matter of time.

2007

In my second year of engineering, almost 3 years after my first rendezvous with a cigarette, I had another one. Classic Milds. Me and my couple of buddies were having beer and one of us proposed to add a cigarette to the mix. “Sure, Why not?. But I am just going to have it only when we have a beer. Not otherwise”, I told myself. The result? The frequency of having beer went up. What used to be a once-in-two-month event, became a monthly event. Sometimes even weekly. I did not realise it then, but I do now, that I wasn’t craving beer. I was craving nicotine.

Days went by and I no longer waited to have a beer to smoke. On my way back home from my college I used to stop midway to have chai with a friend. Or coffee. It did not matter. What mattered was smoking cigarettes. From 1 or 2 cigarettes along with beer once in two weeks changed to 2 or 3 with tea twice or thrice a week. “But I am just going to have only when I have some company. Never alone”, I told myself.

2010

After my engineering course, I got a job with Infosys and had to go to the Mysore campus for a 4-month training. This was the first time I was living away from my parents. Perhaps, living with my parents during engineering, restricted me from smoking once I was back home from college. But now there were no such constraints. I could smoke whenever I wanted to. We had multiple smoking zones on the campus and mutiple breaks during the day. I made the most of the given opportunity. Instead of buying loose cigarettes from the tapri, I graduated to buying a packet from a store just outside the campus. IT guy with chai in one hand and a sutta in the other. I was on cloud nine! I had pushed all boundaries now. I did not need a beer. I did not need tea. I did not even need a company. Cigarettes had replaced all three. I may have been smoking 4-5 cigarettes in a day and probably 10 on Fridays when we used to go to our favorite pub, Purple Haze, near the campus.

2011

Post training, I came back to Pune. However, the pattern stayed the same. Monday to Thursday 4 to 5 cigarettes during 9 to 5 job. 10 cigarettes on Fridays in a pub. Either Hidden Place, German Bakery, or Hoppipola. Hungover on Saturday. Week after week.

I started enjoying having cigarettes (at least that’s what I thought). Every morning I used to look forward to slots in a day where I could have a drag. If I could foresee an event where I would not be able to smoke, I used to simply skip it. The event I mean. “Being able to smoke” became a crucial criterion to make a decision. As there was a rise in my smoking frequency, protocols were put in place to make sure my close ones (parents and sister) didn’t find out that I smoked. For eg, brushing teeth or spraying strong perfume just before entering the home. On Fridays, I used to make sure I entered home late so that no one noticed. I used to keep loads of mint chewing gums handy. My mom used to often wonder why there were so many mentos wrappers popping out of my pockets. Once my dad caught me sleeping on the bathroom floor at around 4 am. I was drunk and was reeking of alcohol and tobacco smell. He did not speak to me for a week. I felt guilty and assured him I would not repeat that. After feeling guilty for a week or two, I was back to my old ways. I was living two lives. One outside the home and one inside. While away, I felt a sense of freedom. While at home, a sense of guilt. Eventually, the guilt faded out. I just did not care. “It is fine, I can enjoy a bit. It’s my life. This time won’t come back.  Nevertheless, this is not permanent. I will eventually quit.” OR “Someday I might have a partner who may not like that I smoke and so ultimately, I will have to quit.” Thoughts like these kept me away from thinking otherwise.

2016-2017

I got married. My partner expressed that she would prefer if I stopped smoking. I agreed. It was not a big deal for me as I knew this would happen someday. But did I accept it wholeheartedly? Absolutely no. I felt I had to sacrifice smoking for someone else and it better be worth it. Hardly a few days must have gone by and we started to face difficulties in our marriage. Nothing seemed to go the way we had imagined. I started feeling trapped. I used to feel “My relationship isn’t flourishing. Life at home is gloomy. Did I sacrifice smoking for this?”. So I resumed smoking while at work.

From feeling a sense of freedom to enjoyment and now feeling relaxed, new associations were being created in my mind regarding cigarettes. We moved to Melbourne, Australia. The move further deepened the cracks in our relationship. It was getting difficult for us to live together. After just 5 months, I decided to step out of the relationship.

2018

Having started to live alone in Australia, I had no one to answer to. No one to be responsible for. With the newfound freedom, there was a huge spike in indulgence. Every morning I would step out, walk to the nearest 7-11, buy a coffee, a slice of walnut banana bread, and a packet of Bond Street Blue 20’s, and kick off my day with coffee and a cigarette. Every evening after work, I would hop into Two Hands Rooftop Bar, have 4 or 5 pints of beer while chain-smoking, have bhindi-do-pyaza, dal, and roti at Did You Eat, and wind up the day with chai and a cigarette. I was smoking 20 cigarettes a day. Sometimes more. This went on every day for almost 6 months. I moved into a new apartment. In addition to having a beautiful kitchen, having an outdoor space where I could smoke without having to worry about smoke alarms became a priority while shortlisting for an apartment. I started enjoying cooking more than eating out. The rate of having beer also plummeted. However, my cigarette count remained consistent. 

2020

I added diversity to my routine. Reading, watching good movies/documentaries, practicing guitar, creating videos, cooking for Shubham’s Kitchen, and a bit of exercise. Every activity would make me feel something and I would share that feeling with my buddy. Amazed after reading a page? Light a cigarette. Moved by a scene in a movie? Light a cigarette. Happy after creating a video? Celebrate with a cigarette. Got the recipe right? Cigarette. Spotted a beautiful view while riding the bike? Pause for a cigarette. Frustrated if not being able to play a chord right? Back-to-back cigarettes! At this point having a cigarette had become my second nature.

Earlier, I used to associate smoking with freedom, enjoyment, or relaxation. Now, I did not even know why was I smoking. Sometimes, while smoking, I used to think it’s enough now. Let’s quit it. Like the smoke, the thought used to appear whenever I used to light up and disappear as soon as I used to dispose of the butt.

Later in the year, I decided to learn Vipassana meditation. It meant I couldn’t smoke for 10 days. “Not a big deal”, I thought. 31st December was the last day of the course. I stepped out of the meditation center and I had no urge to smoke a cigarette. I went to my friend’s place in Sydney. Preparations were in place for the evening. To my surprise, I had the same feeling when I looked at a glass of water and a pint of beer. No craving for beer. No craving for cigarettes.

2021

I came back to Melbourne. I was relieved that I wasn’t craving tobacco anymore. But why? I had no plans to quit. I had always associated cigarettes with enjoyment or relaxation. So why was I so pleased to not want to have it? The following day I spoke to my parents to share my experience about the course. In my excitement, I confessed that I used to smoke but now I don’t feel the urge to smoke or drink anymore. Not sure whether they had any inkling that I used to, but I felt like announcing it nonetheless. Perhaps I was happy because I had heard quitting is not easy and if I am not feeling any urge to smoke, I have probably skipped that step. “Anyways, it is great that I have gotten over it”, I thought.

After a month or so, I had some friends over. Post dinner, one of them suggested we go and have sheesha. I was hesitant at first. But then I told myself “I am not having cigarettes. Sheesha is fine once in a while.”. The following day I got to know about an unpleasant event back home that involved my parents, my sister, and a relative of mine. After speaking to my sister in detail about it, I felt sad, angry, and agitated. As if a deep trauma had surfaced. After I got off the phone, I felt a strong craving to smoke a cigarette. I became desperate for a drag. I couldn’t think of anything else but smoking. 

While I was walking towards the nearest 7-11 store, I realised why I was so relieved when I had no urge to smoke just after the course. I realised I was walking towards an ugly path. But I couldn’t stop myself. I continued walking. Bought a packet. Lit a cigarette. I knew I was addicted.   

…continued in Chapter 2