Confessions from an Ex-Smoker

CHAPTER 3

THE ROAD TO LIBERATION

Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking Book Cover

..continued from Chapter 2.

I am not exaggerating. Allen Carr’s Easy Way To Stop Smoking has been my saviour. It saved me from further damaging my physical health. It saved me from countless moments of stress thereby reviving my mental health. At the peak of my smoking practice, I was spending almost 1000 AUD per month on cigarettes. So it saved heaps of money. Most importantly, it saved me from being a slave to cigarettes all my life.

All my previous approaches failed because the methods required faith. Faith in the concept that if you are strong enough to endure the cravings; if you have the willpower to not give in to the temptation, one day you will come out of misery; and if you can’t then you are not strong enough or lack willpower. This approach has a major flaw. It does not tell how will you know that you have permanently quit smoking. Or how many days do you have to keep faith before you can call yourself a non-smoker? A week? A month? A year ? or till you die? This approach promises you salvation but the result is lifelong misery. I was seeking liberation from my misery.

Allen Carr’s method is quite the opposite. It is based on reason and hence guarantees liberation.

First, Allen Carr describes the nature of the trap. Second, he describes why people remain in the trap even after realising they have fallen into it. Third, he offers a solution to come out of the trap. Fourth, he shows the path to break free from the trap. All you got to do is walk on the path and you’ll know the moment you liberate yourself from the trap. Permanently.

The solution works for all. The time required by every individual to liberate themselves would vary depending upon how deep they are stuck in the trap. Individuals stuck for years may require more time and practice while those who have recently fallen into the trap may easily come out with a little practice. Lucky would be those sitting on the fence who can avoid falling into the trap altogether.

Each chapter of the book, when understood fully, frees your mind from a nicotine-related mental association that was built over the years. With each subsequent chapter, you start feeling lighter. Allen Carr asks you to carry on smoking while you read the book. The more you walk on the path, the more you realise the futility of smoking. A moment will arrive when you will know that you are done with cigarettes. You don’t want them anymore. That’s when Allen Carr asks you to smoke your last cigarette.

After 4 readings of the book, which took me around 5 months, I smoked my last cigarette on 21st November 2022. I had the first puff. I coughed. Coughed again. I vividly recall I hated it. I couldn’t even finish it. I threw it after 2 puffs. I knew I would never have it again.

Confessions from an Ex-Smoker

CHAPTER 2

EMOSANAL ATTYACHAAR

Still from the movie Dev.D

..continued from Chapter 1.

January 2021

I knew I was addicted. 

The thing that I thought would put me at ease made me feel trapped. All I yearned for was just one drag, and now that I had a pack of cigarettes with me, I felt like getting rid of all of them. Unfortunately, I couldn’t. It was ludicrous - but it still hurt. The emosanal attyachaar (emotional torture) had begun. I reached out for another one.

From that moment, the thought that hardly left my mind was - “I need to get rid of this habit”.

Plan A: I won’t smoke from Monday.

Sunday evening. Around 4 pm. I may have had just 3-4 cigarettes left in the pack. “Hmm. So if I smoke all of these now, I will run out of them way before my sleep time. That’s too early. How about I buy one last packet, and go out for a drink? This way I shall be able to finish a pack just before sleeping. Let’s celebrate this event.”

The celebration continued past midnight. I returned home with another pack. The following day, after I smoked the last cigarette, I was hoping to feel happy but I felt sad. I felt as if there was nothing to look forward to. There would be no enjoyment aspect to my life now. The feeling of emptiness overpowered all other feelings. I was hoping to liberate myself from the filth but It started to feel like a burden and I had no idea how long would I have to continue to suffer before I could safely say “I don’t need nicotine anymore”. The shock treatment certainly did not work for me and within an hour I found myself heading towards 7-11 to fetch a new pack. 

Plan A: I won’t smoke from Monday.

Plan B: Perhaps I should cut down slowly.

My next approach was to gradually cut down. I reduced my consumption to half. While at work, instead of having a cigarette in every break, I smoked during alternate breaks. It just meant I take half the number of breaks. Smoking 10 a day is better than having 20 a day right? Unfortunately not the case with nicotine. I observed that when I skipped a break to not have a cigarette, I waited eagerly for the next break when I could have one. I started feeling as if I had earned it for my previous sacrifice. Sometimes I would have 2 cigarettes thinking the next slot was too far away. This new plan wasn’t helping me at all. On the contrary, it put additional responsibility and stress of “break management” on me. 

Plan A: I won’t smoke from Monday.

Plan B: Perhaps I should cut down slowly.

Plan C: Chewing gum to curb cravings.

My earlier plan required me to not give in to cravings, at least half the number of times, which was getting exhausting. I remember those pangs. I couldn’t think of anything else but having a smoke during those moments. More often than not, I used to give in and end up having back-to-back cigarettes. I had heard that chewing gums helped fight cigarette cravings. Not Nicorette. I used to wonder why are people even buying Nicorette. Why would you consume gum that is made up of the stuff you are trying to get rid of from your system? I started keeping regular chewing gum in my other pocket and would reach out to either cigarette or chewing gum based on the severity of my cravings. I noticed my cigarette consumption took a dip for a few days. However, chewing gum consumption went up. My gums started to ache. Eventually, I quit chewing gums and nicotine took over.

Plan A: I won’t smoke from Monday.

Plan B: Perhaps I should cut down slowly.

Plan C: Chewing gum to curb cravings.

Plan D: Cut down access to cigarettes for a long time.

Having failed in all my attempts so far, I wanted to try something different this time. One common aspect in all previous failures was having easy access to cigarettes. The fact that I could just walk a few steps to buy a new packet made it challenging to refrain from it. I wanted to put myself in a scenario where I wouldn’t be able to buy cigarettes and if this could stretch for a long time, perhaps I wouldn’t crave cigarettes anymore. 

March 2021

Luckily, at the same time, I got admission to the Permaculture Design Course (PDC). It was a 15-day residential course at Rocklyn Asharam. Smoking was strictly prohibited on campus. Being in a remote location meant no easy access to stores selling cigarettes unless you had a car. I did not. The course schedule was intense which meant being occupied most of the time, leaving hardly any room to miss smoking. I could imagine myself walking out of the campus with my head held high, not wanting cigarettes anymore. Perfect!.

I was determined. I left home for the course without any cigarettes with me. As I had already experienced bouts of strong cravings during my prior pursuits to quit, I was mentally prepared to deal with them this time. The smoke-free 3-hour journey to Asharam felt like taking the first steps toward liberation from nicotine. The pilgrimage had begun.

The day used to begin with a Yoga session followed by a series of lectures, activities, garden walks, or farm visits. Delicious food cooked using fresh produce from the garden and discussions on a variety of subjects during meals kept our bodies healthy and minds stimulated (more about PDC in a separate blog). All these aspects helped me to not miss smoking. I was happy.

Halfway through the course, we had a free evening. A few of us went out for dinner in a nearby town. This was the first time since the course began that shops were accessible. I did not give in to the temptation of buying cigarettes. I started to feel confident about this plan.

The course ended. This was the longest I had been clean since I had started smoking regularly. When it was time to leave the Asharam my mind was chattering. Am I a non-smoker now? I guess I can claim that isn’t it? Have I gotten over cigarettes? Maybe yes! Will I not experience cravings anymore? I hope not. Is this for real? I was confused. One of our coursemates offered a ride to the train station. On our way to the station, I shared with him my struggles of trying to quit smoking before I came to the course, and perhaps this time I may have been successful. He was thrilled to hear that and congratulated me. We arrived at the train station. Exchanged good-byes. He left. I walked to the platform and saw that there was still an hour for the train to arrive. I came out of the station. Walked towards a convenience store. Bought a packet of cigarettes.

Till today I am unable to figure out what made me do that. As soon as I had the drag, I felt as if I had slipped into a dark tunnel. I felt demoralized. After staying clean for 15 days, I couldn’t believe that I simply threw it all away. I felt extremely sad during my entire train journey back to Melbourne. What I thought was my best chance to be free had failed.

In my head, it was a foolproof plan. It had to work. The fact that it did not, hit me hard. Not only did this affect my morale, but it affected my meditation practice too. Practicing meditation while continuing to take intoxicants felt like a hypocrite. My meditation practice took a hit and I quit trying to quit smoking.

Plan D: Cut down access to cigarettes for a long time.

October 2021

The international borders opened up and I got a chance to visit home. Being able to come to Pune after spending almost a year in lockdown was a huge relief. I wasn’t completely at ease though. Back in Melbourne, I was smoking more than 20 cigarettes a day. Here in Pune, maintaining the same rate meant stepping out of the house 20 times a day. That wasn’t practical at all. To not smoke was not possible for me either. I started smoking in my bathroom with the exhaust fan on. While smoking in the bathroom, there was a feeling of comfort, but there was always a fear that my parents or sister would find out about it. In addition to this, there was the feeling of disgust that I had reached this stage. These unpleasant moments pushed me to seriously reconsider quitting before it was too late.

January 2022

Fortunately, I got another opportunity to pursue PDC and volunteer at Aranya Permaculture Farm. Once again I thought this would be the perfect opportunity to stay away from smoking. I did not carry any cigarettes with me to the course. I did not smoke a single cigarette during the entire duration of the course. The 15-day course came to an end. We all were celebrating around a campfire. One of the coursemates lit a cigarette and offered it to me and I accepted the offer without any hesitation at all. 

February 2022

The fast was broken. I did not even ponder over it this time. My main concern was how to arrange cigarettes as I was planning to stay at the farm for 3 months. I needed to figure out the entire supply chain. The nearest town was almost 10 km away. Once in a while someone from the farm would go to the town, so we would request the person to get stuff for us. A part of my mind was permanently reserved to keep track of this. I did not even care what brand or type of cigarette I was smoking. Whatever was available in the town was fine with me as long as it had nicotine in it and could be smoked. I would occasionally borrow bidis from the locals on the farm and smoke them too.

March 2022

Just after a month of volunteering, I fell extremely sick. Perhaps in my excitement to work on a farm, I must have over-exerted myself. The rising temperatures and my incessant smoking had made it worse. I asked my friend from Hyderabad if he could pick me up and he readily agreed. I spent a couple of days at his place and then returned to Pune.

Once I got back home, my health worsened. For the next two months, most of the time was spent either visiting hospitals for checkups, getting body parts fixed, or recovering from one or the other illnesses.

Still from the song Emosanal Attyachar from the movie Dev.D

June 2022

The rest period gave me time to reflect upon my actions. It was more than a year, and I wasn’t able to successfully give up smoking. All the methods I had tried so far required willpower to some extent. Having failed in all the attempts I started to doubt my abilities.  Am I weak-willed? Maybe not. Maybe I am. Why am I unable to let go of smoking completely? Should I give quitting another shot or should I just accept that I will be a smoker all my life? The voices in my mind were just not shutting down. I was desperate for a solution to get me out of this mess.

And then I found a book.

…continued in Chapter 3.

Confessions from an Ex-Smoker

CHAPTER 1

THE REALISATION

Still from the movie Kaante showing Sanjay Dutt smoking

1992-2004

As a child, perhaps it was my obsession with Sanjay Dutt, memories of watching my uncle smoking while having a good time with his friends, Marlboro advertisements on the television, or a combination of these, I had correlated smoking with freedom or being macho and I just wanted to try it.

And so I did. 

2004

I smoked my first cigarette when I was 16.

The day was chosen. On the auspicious occasion of finishing the 10th Standard Board Exams, I wanted to relish my freedom with a cigarette. I imagined holding a cigarette and walking like Sanjay Dutt with the song playing in the background “Chal pade hai fikr yaar, dhuein main udaake” (We are moving turning worries into smoke). As soon as we stepped out of the school, my good friend bought 2 cigarettes. I asked him to light it for me. I had the first puff. I coughed. Coughed again. I vividly recall I hated it. I couldn’t even finish it. I threw it after 2 puffs. I decided never to have it again.

Unfortunately, nicotine had entered into my system and the association of smoking and freedom was still etched in my mind. The combination had to rear its ugly head. It was just a matter of time.

2007

In my second year of engineering, almost 3 years after my first rendezvous with a cigarette, I had another one. Classic Milds. Me and my couple of buddies were having beer and one of us proposed to add a cigarette to the mix. “Sure, Why not?. But I am just going to have it only when we have a beer. Not otherwise”, I told myself. The result? The frequency of having beer went up. What used to be a once-in-two-month event, became a monthly event. Sometimes even weekly. I did not realise it then, but I do now, that I wasn’t craving beer. I was craving nicotine.

Days went by and I no longer waited to have a beer to smoke. On my way back home from my college I used to stop midway to have chai with a friend. Or coffee. It did not matter. What mattered was smoking cigarettes. From 1 or 2 cigarettes along with beer once in two weeks changed to 2 or 3 with tea twice or thrice a week. “But I am just going to have only when I have some company. Never alone”, I told myself.

2010

After my engineering course, I got a job with Infosys and had to go to the Mysore campus for a 4-month training. This was the first time I was living away from my parents. Perhaps, living with my parents during engineering, restricted me from smoking once I was back home from college. But now there were no such constraints. I could smoke whenever I wanted to. We had multiple smoking zones on the campus and mutiple breaks during the day. I made the most of the given opportunity. Instead of buying loose cigarettes from the tapri, I graduated to buying a packet from a store just outside the campus. IT guy with chai in one hand and a sutta in the other. I was on cloud nine! I had pushed all boundaries now. I did not need a beer. I did not need tea. I did not even need a company. Cigarettes had replaced all three. I may have been smoking 4-5 cigarettes in a day and probably 10 on Fridays when we used to go to our favorite pub, Purple Haze, near the campus.

2011

Post training, I came back to Pune. However, the pattern stayed the same. Monday to Thursday 4 to 5 cigarettes during 9 to 5 job. 10 cigarettes on Fridays in a pub. Either Hidden Place, German Bakery, or Hoppipola. Hungover on Saturday. Week after week.

I started enjoying having cigarettes (at least that’s what I thought). Every morning I used to look forward to slots in a day where I could have a drag. If I could foresee an event where I would not be able to smoke, I used to simply skip it. The event I mean. “Being able to smoke” became a crucial criterion to make a decision. As there was a rise in my smoking frequency, protocols were put in place to make sure my close ones (parents and sister) didn’t find out that I smoked. For eg, brushing teeth or spraying strong perfume just before entering the home. On Fridays, I used to make sure I entered home late so that no one noticed. I used to keep loads of mint chewing gums handy. My mom used to often wonder why there were so many mentos wrappers popping out of my pockets. Once my dad caught me sleeping on the bathroom floor at around 4 am. I was drunk and was reeking of alcohol and tobacco smell. He did not speak to me for a week. I felt guilty and assured him I would not repeat that. After feeling guilty for a week or two, I was back to my old ways. I was living two lives. One outside the home and one inside. While away, I felt a sense of freedom. While at home, a sense of guilt. Eventually, the guilt faded out. I just did not care. “It is fine, I can enjoy a bit. It’s my life. This time won’t come back.  Nevertheless, this is not permanent. I will eventually quit.” OR “Someday I might have a partner who may not like that I smoke and so ultimately, I will have to quit.” Thoughts like these kept me away from thinking otherwise.

2016-2017

I got married. My partner expressed that she would prefer if I stopped smoking. I agreed. It was not a big deal for me as I knew this would happen someday. But did I accept it wholeheartedly? Absolutely no. I felt I had to sacrifice smoking for someone else and it better be worth it. Hardly a few days must have gone by and we started to face difficulties in our marriage. Nothing seemed to go the way we had imagined. I started feeling trapped. I used to feel “My relationship isn’t flourishing. Life at home is gloomy. Did I sacrifice smoking for this?”. So I resumed smoking while at work.

From feeling a sense of freedom to enjoyment and now feeling relaxed, new associations were being created in my mind regarding cigarettes. We moved to Melbourne, Australia. The move further deepened the cracks in our relationship. It was getting difficult for us to live together. After just 5 months, I decided to step out of the relationship.

2018

Having started to live alone in Australia, I had no one to answer to. No one to be responsible for. With the newfound freedom, there was a huge spike in indulgence. Every morning I would step out, walk to the nearest 7-11, buy a coffee, a slice of walnut banana bread, and a packet of Bond Street Blue 20’s, and kick off my day with coffee and a cigarette. Every evening after work, I would hop into Two Hands Rooftop Bar, have 4 or 5 pints of beer while chain-smoking, have bhindi-do-pyaza, dal, and roti at Did You Eat, and wind up the day with chai and a cigarette. I was smoking 20 cigarettes a day. Sometimes more. This went on every day for almost 6 months. I moved into a new apartment. In addition to having a beautiful kitchen, having an outdoor space where I could smoke without having to worry about smoke alarms became a priority while shortlisting for an apartment. I started enjoying cooking more than eating out. The rate of having beer also plummeted. However, my cigarette count remained consistent. 

2020

I added diversity to my routine. Reading, watching good movies/documentaries, practicing guitar, creating videos, cooking for Shubham’s Kitchen, and a bit of exercise. Every activity would make me feel something and I would share that feeling with my buddy. Amazed after reading a page? Light a cigarette. Moved by a scene in a movie? Light a cigarette. Happy after creating a video? Celebrate with a cigarette. Got the recipe right? Cigarette. Spotted a beautiful view while riding the bike? Pause for a cigarette. Frustrated if not being able to play a chord right? Back-to-back cigarettes! At this point having a cigarette had become my second nature.

Earlier, I used to associate smoking with freedom, enjoyment, or relaxation. Now, I did not even know why was I smoking. Sometimes, while smoking, I used to think it’s enough now. Let’s quit it. Like the smoke, the thought used to appear whenever I used to light up and disappear as soon as I used to dispose of the butt.

Later in the year, I decided to learn Vipassana meditation. It meant I couldn’t smoke for 10 days. “Not a big deal”, I thought. 31st December was the last day of the course. I stepped out of the meditation center and I had no urge to smoke a cigarette. I went to my friend’s place in Sydney. Preparations were in place for the evening. To my surprise, I had the same feeling when I looked at a glass of water and a pint of beer. No craving for beer. No craving for cigarettes.

2021

I came back to Melbourne. I was relieved that I wasn’t craving tobacco anymore. But why? I had no plans to quit. I had always associated cigarettes with enjoyment or relaxation. So why was I so pleased to not want to have it? The following day I spoke to my parents to share my experience about the course. In my excitement, I confessed that I used to smoke but now I don’t feel the urge to smoke or drink anymore. Not sure whether they had any inkling that I used to, but I felt like announcing it nonetheless. Perhaps I was happy because I had heard quitting is not easy and if I am not feeling any urge to smoke, I have probably skipped that step. “Anyways, it is great that I have gotten over it”, I thought.

After a month or so, I had some friends over. Post dinner, one of them suggested we go and have sheesha. I was hesitant at first. But then I told myself “I am not having cigarettes. Sheesha is fine once in a while.”. The following day I got to know about an unpleasant event back home that involved my parents, my sister, and a relative of mine. After speaking to my sister in detail about it, I felt sad, angry, and agitated. As if a deep trauma had surfaced. After I got off the phone, I felt a strong craving to smoke a cigarette. I became desperate for a drag. I couldn’t think of anything else but smoking. 

While I was walking towards the nearest 7-11 store, I realised why I was so relieved when I had no urge to smoke just after the course. I realised I was walking towards an ugly path. But I couldn’t stop myself. I continued walking. Bought a packet. Lit a cigarette. I knew I was addicted.   

…continued in Chapter 2